We just got back from seeing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

This is going to be a two-part review:

  1. The first part will be more of a synopsis and spoiler-free.
  2. The second part will be more in-depth and chock full of spoilers.

Consider yourselves duly warned.

Part One: Synopsis
We took a HUGE hit for the team on this one. The movie was bad. Really bad. Not as bad as… The Spirit, but it’s still on the lower end of the Cool-World/Long Kiss Goodnight Scale.

Save a little piece of your childhood.
Save your money.
Save your time.

If you find that you absolutely must see this movie, wait for it to come out on Netflix or Redbox.

Seriously.

Part Two: In-Depth Observations
I wasn’t kidding when I said I was going to give up the scoop on this movie. I’m not really going to hold anything back, so if you’re still inclined to see this movie – despite my previous and continued warnings against doing so – you will want to stop reading now.

Really.
Find another blog or webcomic to read.
Right now.

Okay, if you’re still here, I’m going to take that to mean one of a few things:

  1. You really want to see why I think the movie fell apart.
  2. You have seen the movie and want to see which parts we agree/disagree on.
  3. You haven’t seen the movie, but are curious as to “just how bad” it could be.
  4. Monkeys. (Not really a “reason,” per se, but monkeys can be blamed for a lot. They fling poo, after all.)

As I’ve been saying for the past few weeks, I’ve been looking forward to this movie because I wanted to see “Giant robots blowing shit up.” I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, honestly. Why not? Let’s see… oh, wait… how about: That’s what they did – and did rather well – in the first movie. In fact, let’s see what Michael Bay and company got right in this movie before we get to the longer list of what went wrong. Oh, so horribly wrong.

  1. Giant Robots. Check.
  2. Shit blowing up. Check.
  3. Megan Fox. Check.
  4. Optimus Prime being the heroic leader, even in the face of oppressive/overwhelming odds. Check.
  5. SaraRules adds: “Some of the military guys were kind of cute.” Check

What did they do wrong…?

  1. Balls.  (If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I mean. If not, consider yourself lucky.)
  2. Leg-humping robots. (see above)
  3. Mudlfap and Skids – the Transformers equivalents of a Jar-Jar Binks character.
  4. Pot-laced-brownie-eating Judy Witwicky.
  5. Alice, the Fem-cepticon. Sorry, I mean “Pretender.”  (Really?  REALLY?!?)
  6. Why is it that the All-Spark can only create evil robots?
  7. Why does a robot (Jetfire) need a crutch?
  8. Why was Megatron revived?
  9. Why do we need to see Agent Simmons in a jock strap?
  10. Sam’s college roommate, Leo.
  11. Did the Air Force Chief of Staff have to be such a pinhead?
  12. Why does The Fallen look like a giant metal baboon?
  13. Why, all of a sudden, do we need to say that Transformers had been on Earth for over 15,000 years… and that they have influenced almost every culture in the world?
  14. Why did Sam go to the Autobot afterlife… of all possible places?!

We find out, eventually, that the Decpticons are following Starscream – at the behest of an even older Transformer – known only as “The Fallen,” who is after the location of a weapon that will turn Sol into Energon. And, as an added benefit/side effect, kill all life on Earth. The location of this weapon has been lost. Fortunately, the information has been coded into the All-Spark… a fragment of which Sam still has. After touching the fragment, Sam starts seeing ancient Cybertronian runes. Sam, not sure what to do with it, gives the fragment to Mikaela and goes off to college.

Optimus Prime, who has been keeping secret of the Matrix and the weapon from Sam, comes to him asking for his aid in finding the weapon.  Of course, Sam just wants to be a “normal kid” and go to college. And parties. And date Megan Fox.

Megatron gets revived. Prime and Megatron fight. Prime dies/deactivates. Sam finds a sense of loyalty. And the race is on to find someone or something that can translate the runes, find the Matrix and the weapon and save the day.

At two hours and forty-three minutes, they could have easily lopped off HALF of this movie and had a much more cohesive and entertaining film. I think that Dave summed it up best:

It’s like [Michael Bay] had a bunch of writers who all went in different directions with the hope of “If I can come up with a script that makes Michael Bay orgasm, then he’s sure to pick my script!” So, that’s what they all did. After submitting the scripts and having Bay orgasm 29 times, Bay just decided: “Shoot everything!” And that’s what they did. Then he threw all of the footage into the editing room with a bunch of monkeys and this is what came out.

Having seen the movie, I really can’t argue with that theory.

I need to come up with some kind of equivalent to the LEGO bricks for the Cool World/Long Kiss Goodnight Scale, because I refuse to sully the bricks by using them for this movie. Suffice it to say: It was bad.

Bottom line: Save yourself $6.00 or more and go see something else. Almost anything would be better than this.