Catharsis.
everyday glory October 23rd, 2006Sunday : 22 October 2006
Today was not a good day. On a scale from one to ten, I’d give it about a negative three. It’s not that anything “happened,” per se, it was just a “very bad headspace” day. I woke up in an “alright” mood, but it turned sour a little later… and downright surly/irritable not too long after that.
*sigh*
Of all God’s creatures, it’s rather amusing – and a bit sad – that the one that doesn’t listen to its instincts is the one that considers itself above all of the other creatures. Last year, I felt “a bit off.” It expressed itself as a “homesick” feeling, but, it took me far longer than it should have to recognize it as such. I’m wondering if what I was feeling then was a… precursor to what I felt today. I’m not feeling homesick; now that I have a handle on what that feels like, I know that’s not the issue. But the inner dissonance was similar. Beast or avatar versus host. (Don’t worry if you don’t get that reference, suffice if to say that I know what it means and it works for me.) While I aspire to gain enlightenment, there are days – and boy was today one of them – when the darkness creeps in and takes hold.
I’m still a little torn, but I think that it was a good thing that I opted not to go to Moab today. I could have easily made the trip alone, but I didn’t want to. I’m not sure whether or not it would have been better to go with company. *shrug* I may just defer the trip to this coming weekend, as I am taking Thursday and Friday off. That means that I’d miss the weekend’s Hallowe’en parties; but if I’m still feeling the way that I did earlier today, that might not be such a bad thing.
Nothing really seemed to be able to get me out of the mood. Company. Going for a drive – which almost always works to some degree. Shopping – I knew that it was bad when I walked out of both Best Buy and CompUSA empty-handed. Actually, I did buy something, but it was much later in the day: Severance, a book that I heard about on NPR’s All Things Considered – Sunday.
There are few people – If I’m counting correctly, there are eight – with whom I’d feel comfortable talking to (or even consider talking to) in or about this mood. I dealt with three of those people today. One of them called me, out of the blue. The problem: They caught me at the wrong time – I was just edging into the really surly mood. I ran into the second person, who tried to talk with me… but I wasn’t ready to talk then. (We talked a bit later, though.) The third person called this evening. By this time, I was ready to get it out of my system. And I did. It helped to coalesce some of the more elusive and ethereal things floating through my head into more coherent and easier-to-deal-with forms.
“The longest journey begins with a single step.”
From the point of conception
To the moment of Truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proofFrom the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey is not to arriveanything can happen
–Prime Mover, Rush (from the CD Hold Your Fire)
Namaste.
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October 23rd, 2006 at 10:58 PM
I just had Hold your Fire in the CD player the other day. For that piece of synchronicity, you must suffer the following commentary from a resident of BERKELEY, CA.
I enjoyed the book Freakonomics quite a bit. The authors later wrote an interesting article for the New York Times. “Does the Truth Lie Within” about a Psychology Professor at UC Berkeley. Basically, the guy collected a whole lot of data points about himself throughout the day and “data mined” himself to find correlations between his weight, his acne, his moods, etc. He then scientifically altered aspects of his routine and observed the results. For example, he discovered his insomnia was cured “if, on the previous day, he got lots of morning light, skipped breakfast and spent at least eight hours standing.”
In addition to examining some external effects, there is probably more to be gained by a similar thought-process examination. I currently working on some anxiety issues. The gist is to write down the big recurring thoughts going through your head. Then think about how true they really are. It turns out I tell myself a lot of stories.
I have heard the path to enlightment is one of introspection. That never really meant much to me except maybe as “lead a contemplative life” exemplified some idyllic Walden-esque poet’s life of a Buddah wannabe. Lately, I’ve come to think that the real path to the kind of inner calm and self-mastery that is implied by “enlightenment” is a through different kind of “introspection.” Maybe it’s as simple as questioning your own thoughts. Ask yourself “does this thought serve me? Is it really true? Does it give me strength or peace?” Just by asking these questions, you will begin to make distinctions between different mental attitudes.
Green Lantern was a man without fear. The rest of us have to face our own demons and find out that we are the ones who create them.