“There’s parts of me that don’t find resolution…”

By nrobert. Filed in everyday glory  |  
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Sunday : 09 October 05
It’s been a decent day.

came over to watch the debacle that was the Ravens game. More on that below. She left shortly after the game was over and I decided to do “something” around the house – Lord knows, there is plenty to do. Mid-afternoon, I hit a long period of “blah.” I can’t really put a finger on the whys and wherefores, though. I was rather apathetic about… everything. Fortunately, the mood/feeling passed, at least for a while, and I got closer to “center.”

The evening and night was quiet. I watched the Cincinnati – Jacksonville game and chatted with some friends. I think that the down time – not having to meet Person X or Group Y for Activity Z – was good.

Football

Baltimore at Detroit
17 – 35
Baltimore, once again, just imploded – unnecessary penalties took their toll on the team. Not just “unnecessary penalties;” monumental penalties. From NFL.com:

DETROIT (Oct. 9, 2005) — The Baltimore Ravens lost control and the Detroit Lions took advantage.

Kevin Jones scored two first-quarter touchdowns and Detroit went on to beat Baltimore 35-17, helped in part by the Ravens’ 21 penalties — one short of the NFL record — and two ejections.

That pretty much sums it up. It was not pretty. And some of the penalties…. completely unnecessary.

It was a very disappointing game.

Random Access : “In brightest day and blackest night…”
It seems like I’ve been here before
It seems like I’ve been here before

    – “Everything’s Going Green,” New Order (from the CD “Substance

I’m having a bit of a John Stewart moment, not to be confused with a Jon Stewart moment.

John Stewart Jon Stewart
Has an “H” in his name Has no “H” in his name
Green Lantern 2814.2 and member of the Justice League Host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show
Chosen to be Hal Jordan’s replacement, should Jordan become incapacited. Chosen to be Craig Kilborn’s replacement when he left Comedy Central

And, now that all of the introductions are out of the way…

When I say that I’m having a John Stewart moment, I don’t mean that I’m dressing up in a black and green outfit (I did that last Hallowe’en) and saving the world (I do that in City of Heroes). What I do mean is that I think that I am in the middle of rediscovering/redefining what makes me tick. John was originally outspoken and a little rebellious. He questioned authority and he wasn’t afraid to ask questions that raised eyebrows. Very atypical for a GL… but, it didn’t interfere with his effectiveness as a GL. In fact, it aided in his mission – he would often speak out as a voice for the oppressed or overlooked. But, over time, he stopped asking those questions and just stepping in line… like everyone else.

At a couple of points in his career, John stopped for moments of reflection and introspection. The following passages, from Green Lantern: Mosaic #1, catch him during one of one of his introspective moments:

I promised to show you something weird, didn’t I? Well, I’ve got news for you. You’re looking at him. Get the picture? I’m an alien.

Background character #1: Outside White.
Background character #2:Outside Black.
Background character #3:Outside rich.
Background character #4:Outside poor.
Background character #5:Outside Green Lantern Corps
Background character #6:Outside humanity.

Is that why I’m here? Is this the home I’ve never found, where everyone is an alien? Am I the only one who can look at them all the same – from outside?

Do you know what happens when you’re outside? You put it all inside. You get deeper inside to put it all in. What you can’t say outside becomes a voice inside.

And more voices. All inside the outsider. “I contain multitudes.” Apologies to Walt Whitman.

I used to use a lot of quotes when I was young. To make me sound mature. To make me sound serious. To make me feel like I wasn’t the second-class entity I’d always thought I was.

But the courage to use your own voice, that’s the test of maturity. That’s the proof of seriousness. Maybe that’s my mission here.

To find my own voice.

To find a voice for all these creatures and let them speak in harmony.

Yeah. Maybe. But in the meantime… there’s business.

Recently, John remembered that he had stopped asking questions… and that no one else asked them, either. He made the decision to be that questioning voice and try to bring a little light to the darkness.

I started this journal as something to get me into the habit of writing something on a regular basis – daily, even, if I could get a good handle on it. I think that I’ve done an adequate job of that. I also started it to give myself an outlet for the things that couldn’t necessarily be just blurted out in public. A voice for my thoughts, if you will. Yes, I do appreciate the irony of having used the above excerpts of someone else’s writing about finding one’s own voice to talk about finding my own voice.

I was asked why the tone of my journal changed so dramatically shortly after its inception. I didn’t have what I considered an adequate or appropriate answer. I know when it happened. At the time, I thought that the change was… somehow necessary. Now, I don’t agree. Maybe I’ve left it in it’s current state for so long because it’s become comfortable. Or easy. Or, Heaven forbid, rote.

I don’t think that I have changed that much since I started writing in this. Maybe I have. Maybe I’m “too close” to it to see. I do know that this journal has changed – it has a flavor that is distinctly mine, but does it speak with the full timbre of my voice? Or the voices in my head – past, present and future? I don’t know. Quite possibly so. But, there are still questions to be asked. And voices that need to be heard.

I should find that voice. My voice. And then, I can find the voice for this journal. Will it change the way that I write in here? Possibly. It’s hard to say until I undertake the process. Maybe it will metamorphose into something new. Perhaps it will revert to something like it was before. We’ll see how it goes.

Stray Toasters

  • I’m in the mood for a snack, but it’s almost 3:30. I don’t think that I really need one.
  • Turning the Pages, the British Library
  • The National Geographic Channel has an upcoming show (series?) called Science of the Bible. I don’t know that I really need science to “prove” things from the Bible for me. It might be overly simplistic, but isn’t that the whole underlying basis of “faith?”
  • Check out The Like‘s the video for What I Say
  • pointed out this from the “Unintentional Porn in Sports Headlines” file.
  • I was listening to Margaritaville earlier and it reminded me of a thought that I had a couple of months ago, but never brought out into the light: Other than being a modern-day pirate’s anthem for killing time, it also shows a man having an epiphany of acceptance and responsibility for his own actions (or lack thereof). The song goes from

    Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
    But I know it’s nobody’s fault

    …to….

    Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
    Now I think
    Hell, it could be my fault

    …to…

    Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
    But I know it’s my own damn fault

  • UNICEF bombs the Smurfs

Quote of the Day – Reason #4530723 of “Why I Love My Brother”
The following is from a text message conversation with Adam, the youngest member of my sibko:

Adam:Do you ever wake up and just feel the need to steal a tank or a fighter jet? Cause I do.
Me: I can’t say that I have.
Adam:I always said you lacked imagination.
Me: I’d rather be behind the scenes and have someone steal it for me. That way, if the bag man gets caught, I have plausible deniability on my side.
Adam:We have a name for people like you: We call them vaginas.

How could you not love a kid like this?

Namaste.

1 – “Totem” by Rush, from the CD “Test for Echo”

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