Thursday
The Doctor is in…

Today wasn’t bad. Work proceeded apace. After a few false starts, I was actually able to get some work done, too. Imagine that. I took Schoolhouse Rock! to keep me company, but neglected to actually listen/watch. But, there’s always tomorrow. Or Monday. I’m thinking “Monday,” at this point. Especially given my plans to turn into a vapor trail shortly after lunch.

Random Access
Press this key to see amazing things…
     – “Virtuality,” by Rush (from the CD “Test for Echo”)

A few days ago, I received the new issue of FHM in the mail. The one with Pam Anderson on the cover. She’s on the inside, too. And, as an added bonus: There was a shiny new AOHell coaster CD in the poly-wrapper, too! I opened Pandora’s box the case to see the wonders within.


According to the insert (seen above), I could get 1175 hours of AOHell usage. FREE! For fifty days. “What a bargain!” And… AND… as if that wasn’t enough, there was an additional registration number and password so that I could condemn a friend to the 9th Circle of Hell along with me! share all of the AOL goodness with a friend! Then I saw all of the added features that I could get, too:

  • Surf (up to) 5x FASTER with TopSpeedTM Technology*
  • Block Pop-Ups! Block Spam!
  • New Comprehensive McAffe® Virus Protection Included!
  • 24/7 FREE Customer Support!

Such wondrous things, indeed! How could I resist calling the number and telling them that I wanted to forego my cable modem and get AOHell dial-up?

Actually, it was pretty easy.

I took a look at some of the “fine print” on the back of the insert, too. It made for an interesting read:

TopSpeedTM Technology, available only with AOL 9.0, loads certain web page text and graphics faster than with a standard 56.6K dial-up Internet Service. Actual Speeds may vary. Minimum system requirements apply.

“Actual speeds may vary?” Really? You’re kidding?!? And I have yet to see anything that explains exactly “what” makes AOL 9.0 slicker’n greased moose poop. Sure, it’s some sort of download accelerator, but what makes it so much better than… whatever else might be out there? And why do I need AOL 9.0 Security Edition? And does this mean that they have an “Insecurity Edition,” too? Or was someone in the marketing department, let’s call him “Skip,” just feeling his Wheaties and come up with the idea: “If we call it ‘Security Edition,’ people will feel better about their decision to use AOL as their Internet Service Provider! And then, more people will join! And they’ll feel safe, too! And then… and then… and then…” At this point, his brain shuts down, with visions of sugarplums dollar signs dancing in his head. “I have to go tell this to (fill in the name of some middle manager) and see what he thinks!” And off Skip goes. And his manager sucks it up faster than a 13-year-old with a Slurpee®: “Security Edition. I LOVE it! Skip, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders! You’re gonna go places!” And the next thing you know: Here it sits on my desk. Just sitting there. Sitting. The portal to The Abyss (as in “Hell” and not to be confused with the James Cameron movie The Abyss) in a modest (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I actually typed “modest” with a… *chuckle*… straight… *snicker*… face….) black and gold tin.

McAfee VirusScan Online brought to you by AOL is now available free with AOL membership. Separate activation required. Details available via pop-up after registration.

Why in the Nine Hells does registration have to be a separate process? I mean… by the time you’ve signed your name on the virtual dotted line, AOL pretty much has every bit of data that they, the NSA and the dumpster diver around the corner could possibly need. Why can’t they just add a button or a checkbox saying “Click here if you would like to add McAfee Online to your service?” If you click the box, the applicable information would then be sent to the appointed McAfee agents and then you’d be good to go. Would it really be that much harder to do? (Here’s a hint: “No.”) Sure, it might seem “easier” to let AOL worry about keeping all of the naughty things on the Internet from attacking/infecting my computer… but I’m more concerned with keeping AOHell off my computer. (…says the guy who’s using Gaim to access AOHell Instant Messenger.)

*deep breath*

I’m sure that there are those who find the AOL experience to be “all that they would ever dream of.” I would say that they dream of small things, but my mother happens to be one of the masses…. *sigh* …despite my best efforts to get her off of “the Internet with training wheels” and onto a better ISP. But, as for me, this coaster disc is making its way to File 13. With the quickness.

But, I think I’ll keep the FHM around for a while.

For the articles, of course.

Stray Toasters

  • It’s official: I’m craving cotton candy again.
  • Broken Frontier interviews The Luna Brothers about Girls
  • By way of : The Visionary Art of Gil Bruvel
  • Aliens is playing at the Tower next weekend. Is anyone else interested in going?
  • The “other” Catwoman movie: Colin Blakeston talks Catwoman: Copycat (Check out the first look trailer, too.)
  • From “His Purple Badness” to… whatever people are calling him now, Prince is one bad mother–
       Shut yo’ mouth!
    I’m just talkin’ about Prince!
       We can dig it!

    The man has talent. And a helluva lot of it, too.

  • From Baltimore’s City Paper: Oops, We Did It Again
  • Can’t decide which of the next-gen gaming consoles you should get? Take a look at them side-by-side and compare for yourself. (Not that this is really going to make it any easier on you, but I had to offer.)
  • Bruce Campbell is coming to Salt Lake City. Check out ‘s post in for more, detailed information.
  • Random Wikiness: BLU-82

This is a good place to call it a night.

The Doctor is out.

Namaste.