Random Access

Before getting to business and recapping the various fun times that were had, I must also pass along that just informed me that our old editor at the Oregon State Daily Barometer, Matt LaPlante is now working for the Salt Lake City Tribute…..the serendipity may never end! On a very loosely related note, I received a free copy on my doorstep yesterday morning, and I had to laugh when I found that you have to read the Faith section in order to get to the Comics hahhah!

Soon after I hit the hotel lobby, I was greeted by a pleasant (and just as I had expected!) …we made our greetings and then were swiftly joined by (Who is absolutely adorable!). After logistics for travel were discussed, we headed out to the parking lot, parted ways, and then very quickly ended up right back together as the only two open spaces in the lot were filled by none other than our fearless friend’s cars. After the serendipity factor wore off, we headed over to
Borders to meet up with (who is less LJ-whorish than the rest of us, and now is easier to picture in her effervescence!), ‘s sister, Dave (who both and I both thought looked familiar, causing me to call him “Every Dave”, further resulting in singing a bit of Whitney Houston…), and Brian for the regional meeting of the Sacred Order of the Cliterati. A little later we were greeted by another friend of the gang’s, Perry, and his small son, Max (who I believed that a certain Flea must have looked like as a child).

It is at this time that you may ask yourself Why Cliterati? Well let me tell you, after a quick poll.

The general consensus of the group was, as posted earlier, is that Cliterati is the answer, although thorough research on the matter was later done by , who found that it is actually Clitorides (sounds like a mouthwash!), pronounced kli-‘tor-&-“dEz. This had not occurred to any of us, however, as the closest runner-up was actually Clitorii (much like penii or pelvii, as the case may be *wink*), but that is neither here nor there. Sidenote: posted a link to another use of Cliterati, which does not affect our adoptation of the moniker for our own deviant purposes.

Thus began the convesation of the evening, that was frenetic, deviant, random, poly and not for one second dull – however, there was a roughly four second pause after I managed to push the envelope just a bit (*cough* Applebees *cough* Plants *cough*)…again, neither here nor there. Shortly after arrival, and I made for the coffee counter, ordered two *hot* mocha mudslides (which we were each asked if we wanted whipped cream on that? twice – we attributed this duplicity to the fact that somehow, barista could see our Gemini twins…). A bit later we were greeted with our drinks….in milkshake form. They were still good, but we both wanted hot drinks! At least he got the whipped cream on there! Sidenote: Aside from our obvious lack of physical twinness, I was tickled at the fact that and I exhibited many the same doppleganger characteristics as a few of my other friends on LJ! When I received my drink reciept, I was also informed that if I took a short survey that I would receive 15% off of my next ENTIRE STORE PURCHASE. As I have no self control when it comes to such stores, I had already decided to don my Elizabethan Collar in order to avoid any fugue into glassy-eyed out of control bookstore purchase that I would surely regret (if only financially!), so I gave the reciept to who took the survey…the AT LEAST 7 MINUTE survey! (Not to be confused with Seven minute Abs…)

I was pleased that someone had allocated a copy of Happy Sumo, HERPES, NO Harper’s for reading and ruminating over… you see, the Harper’s Index is one of my favorite things to read. Sadly, the index that we had up for discussion is not appearing on the website. HOWEVER, we have been kind enough to provide you with perhaps the most fascinating of all index items, EVER. Behold, the Chain Mail Condom. MUCH discussion surrounding said item ensued, including a debate on whether it was actually a prophylactic or a decorative accessory, and also whether or not it had a reservoir tip that is easily answered now that we know what we’re dealing with (which amuses me to no end!). Additional topics of discussion included, but are in NO WAY limited to: Balls, can you play ping-pong or tetherball with them (speaking of, I believe that I have finally found my ideal safe word, Tether Ball, sadly no one in the Order has yet seen Key Party), the naivete of people in regards to sex and reproduction, appropriate attire for browsing through bookstores (incidentally, the red-patterned, baggy surfer pants and black trench coat combo was NOT appropriate, but surely provided ample entertainment!), and then later after Perry and Max arrived, we were treated to the most talented array of sound-effects known to man. I am terribly jelis that I have no skillz in this department, but Max sure had them down!

About at this point, and I were suffering from serious food pains and coffee stomach, and finally it was time for food. Applebees to the rescue! We headed over and continued the break-neck speed of conversation, this time accompanied by a cacaphony of 80’s classics. I can’t tell you how pleased I was to hear Electric Blue by Icehouse. There were several times during dinner that the entire table was over taken by the music – although I’m fairly certain that and I were the only ones that got at all moved by Lionel Ritchie’s Running with the Night.

After we received our food, I was rather taken by the fact that my chezburger appeared to have not one, but TWO icecream scoop sized balls of shredded (…and heat wilted) lettuce. Since this was not OK (1. I prefer leaf lettuce on my burgers. 2. There was SO MUCH OF IT! 3. It was UNDER the burger, making the lettuce wilt and the burger bow.), I surgically removed the lettuce (but I swear it was mating under the patty!). Then burger was fantastic. Every Dave had ordered hot wings, and when a cupful of handi-wipes appeared at the table, I eyed them covetously, as they are the best invention ever. When we got ready to head out, was kind enough to proffer up the remaining wipes for my own personal use.

For picture proof, I offer up evidence of and discussing the ramifications of too much lettuce – too bad you can’t see the pile very clearly! and the Top Secret *shhhhh* Group Shot …said the Bishop to the Actress…

As it was getting late and everyone was either tired or needing to work in the morning, dropped me off at the hotel, where I spent the next few hours listening to the neighbors move furniture, and then earlier in the morning, a family of fighting elephants unoccupied the three rooms surrounding me. Needless to say, it was yet another night of little and restless sleep.

The next morning, rescued me from the hotel confines, in exchange for mixed CDs (tribute to where we met), and we headed over to meet at the Villiage Inn. We used to have them in Idaho, but they are no longer here – I miss that! Anyhow, after and I had our “community meeting greeting” which consisted of me handing over a package of crack Crystalized Ginger in return for the Jelly Babies she had given me the night before (gotta love friends!), we headed in for the dining fun times. Eventhough there were only three of us at breffas – aside from the occasional Drew Barrymore (waitress) and manager – we still managed to keep up the furious chat pace and content. Of course, we were privvy to an even greater display of People Watching Good Times at the Inn. Perhaps most disturbingly hysterical was Santa on vacation with his cowboy straw hat and red sweatpants held up by suspenders. was especially taken by a Kelly Ripa wannabe who was accompanied by a friend who had on the most stellar pair of black leather scrunchy stilleto heels. Breathtaking! I think that our table managed to run the restaurant out of coffee. Following in perfect WonderTwin suit, and I both had some sort of southwestern chili skillet – although I had toast and she had…. wait for it… three words: Peanut Butter Pancakes! I would have probably gotten those if I’d thought about it. Either way, I’m glad that she was able to expose to the joys of PBPs!

Sadly, our journey was coming to an end, so we made the longest goodbyes ever (well, it was more like, We should go, but…..!). I was then taken back to the Midvale McDonald’s where dropped me off to Cain’s mom and sister… who I can only assume what was going through their heads! I really was not prepared to leave, as I’d been having such a grand time – besides, there was still a bowling showdown at stake…… but I will come again! ….said the Bishop to the Actress!

Namaste!